November 25, 2025 – Somewhere in the People's Basement, USA

In a bold move that's sure to strike fear into the hearts of capitalists everywhere, the Antifa Super Squad has officially "taken in" a special needs kid, renaming him "Lil' Lenin" and proclaiming him the future leader of the resistance against oppressive naptimes and tyrannical vegetable mandates.

Sources close to the collective – which is to say, our anonymous Discord chat – report that this adoption is part of Antifa's new "Inclusivity Insurrection" initiative, aimed at building a diverse army of pint-sized revolutionaries who can dismantle the patriarchy one juice box at a time.

The kid in question, whose real name has been redacted to protect him from CIA drones (we're looking at you, Big Bird), was reportedly found wandering the aisles of a corporate mega-store, clutching a stuffed animal that suspiciously resembled a bourgeois teddy bear.

"We couldn't just leave him there," said masked operative "Shadow Fist," who spoke to us via encrypted carrier pigeon. "He was being exploited by the system – forced to choose between overpriced organic apples and genetically modified corn syrup horrors. That's peak late-stage capitalism right there."

According to eyewitness accounts (from our one eyewitness, who may or may not be the same person), the adoption process involved a heated debate over whether to use non-violent direct action or just straight-up yeet the kid out of the shopping cart. In the end, they settled on a compromise: a milkshake-fueled ceremony where Lil' Lenin was baptized in fair-trade soy milk and sworn in with a oath to "smash the state... after snack time."

Critics from the right-wing echo chambers are already foaming at the mouth, claiming this is yet another example of Antifa's "radical agenda" to indoctrinate the youth. "Next thing you know, they'll be teaching him to read Karl Marx instead of Dr. Seuss!" ranted one Fox News pundit, who conveniently forgot that Green Eggs and Ham is basically a manifesto against food fascism.

But Lil' Lenin is thriving in his new environment. Insiders report he's already mastering advanced tactics like "strategic tantrum deployment" to disrupt family gatherings and "guerrilla crayon warfare" on fascist refrigerator art. "He's got the spirit of Che Guevara," gushed another comrade, "but with more Goldfish crackers."

Of course, challenges remain. The collective is struggling with bourgeois concepts like "bedtime routines" and "potty training," which they've rebranded as "counter-revolutionary hygiene ops." And let's not forget the ongoing battle against ableist playground equipment – because nothing says "smash the system" like demanding inclusive swings for all.

In a statement released on our glitchy website (blame the FBI for the downtime), Antifa declared: "This adoption proves we're not just about punching Nazis – we're about nurturing the next generation of anti-fascists. Lil' Lenin will grow up knowing that sharing toys is socialism, and hoarding them is pure Elon Musk energy."

Stay tuned for updates, comrades. In the meantime, donate to our GoFundMe for organic protest signs and gluten-free molotov cocktails. Solidarity forever – or at least until naptime.

Antifa Times: Because mainstream media is just fake news with better grammar.

Editor's Note: This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and/or exaggerated for comedic effect. No children were actually adopted by revolutionaries in the making of this article.