ANYTOWN, USA — In a shocking development that has rocked the foundation of campus security protocols, Officer Rick Henderson of Middleton State University learned this week that the First Amendment applies even when he personally disagrees with what people are saying.

"I was just doing my job, trying to protect students from having to hear different opinions," Henderson explained while filling out paperwork to challenge the Constitution. "Then someone showed me this old document from 1791, and apparently it says people can just... talk? At a public institution? Without my permission?"

The incident began when a group of speakers arrived on campus to discuss topics Henderson had never personally researched but felt strongly about anyway. Acting on what he described as "a really intense feeling," Henderson attempted to prevent the speakers from addressing students in the designated free speech zone.

"The free speech zone is supposed to be decorative," Henderson insisted. "Like those 'Employees Must Wash Hands' signs in bathrooms. Nobody actually expects you to follow through."

Zombie Apocalypse or Just Tuesday?

Meanwhile, a group of approximately 40 students began following the visiting speakers around campus in what witnesses described as "a really committed flash mob" or possibly "the world's most dedicated book club."

The students, moving in a synchronized mass and chanting identical phrases, insisted they were engaged in "independent critical thinking."

"We're all individuals who came to the exact same conclusions at the exact same time using identical words," explained sophomore Jake Morrison, who was literally walking in lockstep with 39 other people. "That's how you know we're free thinkers."

When asked if following people around campus while chanting might be considered intimidation, Morrison paused to consult with the group for seven minutes before responding: "Our collective individual consciousness has determined that following people around is actually peaceful dialogue."

Administration Promises Investigation Into Constitutional Rights

University President Dr. Patricia Whitmore responded to the incident by forming a task force to investigate whether the Bill of Rights was "really necessary" at modern public institutions.

"We're going to take a hard look at these so-called 'constitutional protections' and determine if they align with our campus values," Whitmore announced at a press conference held in a locked room with pre-screened questions. "Just because something has been legal for 234 years doesn't mean we can't form a committee to discuss our feelings about it."

The task force, which will consist entirely of people who already agree with each other, is expected to release its findings sometime in 2027, long after everyone has forgotten what they were investigating.

Students Confused by Concept of Disagreement

Several students reported feeling "unsafe" after witnessing people having different opinions in the same physical space.

"I saw two people disagreeing about something and nobody called campus security," said junior Emma Rodriguez, trembling slightly. "They just... kept talking. To each other. With different viewpoints. I didn't even know that was legal."

When informed that civil discourse was actually the entire point of higher education, Rodriguez looked confused and asked if there was a trigger warning for that information.

Officer Henderson Remains Defiant

Despite being informed repeatedly that public colleges cannot prevent constitutionally protected speech, Officer Henderson remains committed to his interpretation of campus security.

"My job is to keep students safe," Henderson declared, "and nothing makes students more unsafe than having to encounter ideas they haven't been pre-approved to think about."

Henderson has since enrolled in a continuing education course titled "The Constitution: Is It Still Relevant?" where he hopes to find legal justification for his feelings.

As of press time, the zombie horde of students was last seen following a Domino's delivery driver around campus, chanting "What do we want? Pizza! When do we want it? When the collective decides!"

Editor's Note: This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and/or exaggerated for comedic effect. The First Amendment actually does apply at public colleges. We checked.