PORTLAND, OR — A local Antifa activist known by the alias "Avocado" sparked confusion and minor chaos Thursday morning after an incident involving bacon grease, a megaphone, and a group of military veterans gathered for a charity fundraiser.

According to witnesses, Avocado—an outspoken regular at downtown demonstrations—arrived at the federal plaza shortly after 9 a.m. carrying a metal pot filled with what police later identified as homemade bacon grease. His stated intention, according to a note found in his backpack, was to stage a "symbolic anti-capitalist lubrication action" intended to "expose the slippery nature of American imperialism."

Instead, Avocado ended up demonstrating the slippery nature of bacon fat.

Multiple bystanders reported that after shouting the phrase "Grease the gears of revolution!" into his megaphone, Avocado attempted to pour the hot mixture across the front steps of the federal building. He misjudged the angle, spilling most of it onto his own boots. Moments later, he lost control, sliding across the plaza and colliding with a table staffed by local veterans promoting a charity 5K event.

No injuries were reported, though several veterans described the collision as "unexpected" and "confusing."

"He came at us faster than a bowling ball at league night," said retired Air Force Tech Sgt. Mike Langston. "I wasn't sure if it was a protest, a stunt, or a cry for help. All I know is I've never seen anyone protest bacon so aggressively."

Following the impact, Avocado—still covered in grease—attempted to regain his footing and deliver a speech criticizing U.S. foreign policy. Witnesses say he managed only a few lines before slipping a second time.

At one point, Avocado allegedly shouted that the veterans were "supporting the bacon industrial complex," a comment that drew visible frustration from several participants at the event.

City maintenance crews were dispatched to the scene, requiring nearly an hour to remove the grease from the concrete steps and the surrounding plaza.

Authorities say Avocado will not face criminal charges, though officials noted he may be billed for cleanup costs. A spokesperson for the mayor's office said the city "encourages all residents to express their beliefs safely, responsibly, and without the use of cooking byproducts."

Avocado did not respond to AntiATimes requests for comment, though a post on a social media account believed to be his read simply:

"The system is slippery. I proved it."

Editor's Note: This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and/or exaggerated for comedic effect. Please do not attempt to stage political protests with cooking grease.